Mormon Apparel

What would the primary equivalent of the Death Star be? It's too terrifying to contemplate. Whatever you do, don't turn your back on the Primary. They look all cute when they're singing songs that have actions and giving short talks about sharing, but underneath that adorable innocence lies... more adorableness, who are we kidding? But that doesn't mean that if you cross them they won't, as this shirt suggests, strike back. So you better make room in the Ward Bulletin for the annual Primary Presentation. You've been warned.

This Mad Men inspired shirt will let people know that you won't let anything get under your skin. You roll with the punches, so why not be proud of your unflappability? Patience is a virtue, after all, and anyone who has had a calling with the youth in this Church knows the meaning of long-suffering. When the members of a religion regularly sing a hymn with the words "Let us oft speak kind words to each other," you know they're going to have trouble getting really angry about things. And if you ever start to forget that, the silhouette on your shirt is wearing a tiny CTR ring...

That's right – gaining a fervent testimony of the restored gospel and getting baptized is the new cool thing to do. How will you ever be able to distinguish yourself from the newbies? This shirt is the answer. Just like you've been a fan of The White Stripes since their eponymous debut album, instead of after White Blood Cells came out like all the other poseurs. Or like you were watching Justin Bieber's home-made videos on YouTube way before Usher signed him to a recording contract. (You probably didn't do both of those things, though.) At any rate, this shirt can be the way you outwardly manifest the sinful vice of pride that you feel for being a long-time member of the Church.

Just like the Godfather, the Mormon Father is endlessly loyal to his family. There are several key differences between them however... In fact, loyalty to family is pretty much where the similarities end. But if the mafia have sort-of taught us anything, through the years of indiscriminate bloodshed and violent crime, it's that the family comes first. As Don Corleone said to Johnny Fontane, "A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man." I think he was quoting a General Conference talk...

Do you want people to be subconsciously thinking: "There is beauty all around," whenever they see you? Who wouldn't? This shirt will get that job done. You should be aware that people may also see your shirt and inadvertently think one or more of the following thoughts:

• There is joy in ev'ry sound
• Peace and plenty here abide
• Time doth swiftly, sweetly glide

So why not make your life a bliss complete, and order one of these shirts for everyone in your loving home.

In fact, this shirt will work perfectly as an LDS family reunion shirt! Check out our bulk order page, and contact me to let me know what surname I should stylishly put on the back.

Just like Hitchcock's thriller from 1954, this shirt invites you to try dialling a single letter in the hopes that something will happen. Dialling "M" these days will only get you a dual-tone multi-frequency burst of 770 and 1477 hertz, as well as a brief reprieve from the tyranny of the dial tone. You're welcome to try it, if you like, and certainly wearing this shirt will encourage other people to do so. (For you young folks out there, the black coil from which the phone is dangling is called a "cord". These things used to plug into the wall - and not to charge their batteries. Learn more at your local library, which is like the Internet in a building.)

It's a mere 30 pixels wide and 43 pixels high, but it looks big because the shirt is very low resolution. Up close, it's a blocky blur. From far away, people will recognize the image of a certain angel... (Hint: It's Moroni.) There's a pixelated CTR shirt for sale here, too, if you look (and squint) hard enough.

If you play baseball, this shirt is a terrible idea unless you want to get walked to first base. However, if you have a daughter who has turned sixteen, and you would like her potential suitors to keep in mind the boundaries outlined by the "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet, this will make the perfect gift. In fact anyone on the dating scene who values their personal space but who doesn't like awkward conversations can say it all with this euphemistic t-shirt. And since it's a sports metaphor, the boys are bound to both understand and appreciate the thoughtful reminder.

Remember when the Jedi went away for a while, wiped out by Darth Vader and the Emperor during the Clone Wars? But then later, they returned? Missionaries are sort of like that, insofar as they go away and then return, and that's what this shirt celebrates. This shirt makes a great gift for your returning missionary. Or better yet, get the whole family and extended family to each wear one of these shirts at the airport when the missionary gets off the plane... Really, anyone could technically wear this shirt, so if you like it, just go ahead and get it. You deserve it.

Ah, the apricot tree. A source of endless confusion for primary children who inexplicably continue to be taught a glorified campfire song about popcorn growing on them. This artist's rendering of the apricot tree as mythologized and immortalized in song will serve three functions:

1. It will alert others to your penchant for whimsy
2. Its highly esoteric nature will utterly confuse anyone who hasn't gone through LDS primary, and
3. It will keep the scientific name for the apricot tree always close at hand, in case you are ever asked for the scientific name of the apricot tree.

You may also be interested in a poster of this image, in which case I would direct you forthwith to our poster shop.

The thirteenth article of faith explains that we believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, etc. Sure when it's typed out like that, it's easy to understand, but try saying it out loud to someone under six years-old, and this t-shirt is more likely to reflect their understanding. If you prefer your ridiculous puns a little more abstruse, there's another version of this shirt for sale that requires a bit more effort on the part of the interpreter. (It's the "Rebus Edition".)

Do we believe in being "chaste and benevolent," or being "chased by an elephant"? That's the absurd and rhetorical question you pose when you wear this shirt, at least to those who are able to correctly parse its dense symbology. There is another version of this shirt for sale which doesn't make the viewer work so hard to decipher it, but is somehow still just as silly. Also, proportionally, that elephant is like, mammoth-sized... No wonder that guy is running away.

Far be it from me to tell you how to live your life, let alone your social life, but holding hands should really be third or fourth date material. But there are some fast movers out there, I suppose, who want to advertise that fact via t-shirt, and this t-shirt is for them. Yes, ladies, you may get more dates with this shirt, but will they be with the kind of men you'd want to marry? And men, you'll get far fewer dates with this shirt. Plus, the dates you do get will be with girls who are either illiterate, or for whom hand-holding is no big deal, and is that really who you want to spend eternity with? It is? Then maybe you should buy a few of these.

Genealogy: you're either doing it, or planning on doing it. This t-shirt is for those in the latter category. Now look, procrastination is nothing to be proud of. So let this shirt be your proverbial string on the finger, gently reminding you and those around you of your duty to your ancestors, and the fact that you really should pencil in some time to get cracking on that whole deal. I know it's tempting to put it off, since the beneficiaries are all dead, but come on; that just means they've been waiting even longer. Have you ever waited in line at the DMV? Remember the relief you felt when that DMV lady called your number? Times that by a million, and then go do your genealogy.

You don't have to kill him! He just needs a little censure, or a stern reprimand. And then afterwards, why not try showing forth an increase in love? I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. And that way, Bill won't esteem you to be his enemy, which is good news for everybody. Oh, what a different film this would have been if Quentin Tarantino had only known what we know about forgiveness. Then again, maybe the movie does end with sincere repentance and genuine forgiveness, how should I know? It's rated R. The text at the top of the poster, by the way, says, "The 43rd verse of the 121st section." A lovely print is also available in our poster shop.

(This t-shirt is missing the blood splatter featured on the original Kill Bill poster, but considering the title change, it seems appropriate that this shirt is bloodless. If you are disappointed by this, you may spill ketchup on the shirt after you've received it, so that it more closely resembles its inspiration.)

It doesn't get much geekier than this. If you want to feel like a celebrity and get photographed surreptitiously wherever you go by a covert army of unwitting paparazzi, then this is the shirt for you. Not because the shirt itself is so stylish – it's just a t-shirt – but because the techno-cognoscenti will recognize the symbol on your chest as a special code that they can decipher using their cell phone camera and one of dozens of available apps. The t-shirt pictured here will redirect those who decipher it to mormon.org. And don't you want to redirect everyone you meet to mormon.org? This shirt practically does the missionary work for you! (You could even send people directly to your mormon.org profile...)

You can choose from a number of code options below, or create your own in the text field below, which I will gladly produce if I don't think it's too dirty or sacrilegious!

The Young Women's program in the Church was founded by Brigham Young in 1869. If they had a camp that year (they didn't), and they invented and then mass-produced t-shirts for it, this might have been what they could have looked like! The text reads: "Being an Invigorating Camp for Young Latter-Day Saint Women, whereby Values may be instilled, Friendships fostered, Hikes undertaken, Craftworks completed, Emotions expressed, Tears shed, Hardships endured, Femininity refined, Camaraderie enjoyed, and where Testimonies may Flourish and be Borne."

This t-shirt features a reproduction of the Mondrian-inspired poster advertising the April 1966 General Conference. You couldn't go anywhere in Salt Lake City that spring without seeing these distinctive posters brightening the sides of buildings, bus-stops and construction sites, adhered with wallpaper paste. The Church's forward-thinking graphic designer at the time, Philip M. Page, was well known across the country for his striking posters and modern, yet refined, aesthetic. A great, great, grandson of Jedediah M. Page, who designed the Young Women's Camp t-shirt in 1869, Phillip was passionate about his craft. The poster is a hot item among Mormon historians and collectors today, with authentic specimens selling for thousands of dollars. It is estimated that only a dozen or so such posters yet survive. The image remains protected by copyright to this day, but MormonApparel.com has obtained the exclusive rights to its reproduction in T-shirt form, as well as in a limited run of prints. These prints are available from our Mormon poster shop, and are eminently framable. I hope to be able to secure the rights to feature more of Page's work here soon.

I had the privilege of communicating with Brother Page before he passed away in 2007 at the remarkable age of 104. "Ah '66," he recalled, "'Twas a good year for Conference-themed marketing posters. Ay, 'twas."

This souvenir t-shirt from General Conference 1984 should really bring back some memories for anyone over 30. Perhaps you have one of these stashed away in an attic somewhere, among your keepsakes and precious memories. (Although that's unlikely since I made it up.) What a line-up in '84: Kimball, Romney, Hinckley, Benson... Remember that talk, "The Caravan Moves On" by Bruce R. McConkie? It was delivered at this very conference.

When you wear this shirt, no one would blame you if you didn't correct people's assumptions that you were actually present at this historic General Conference. (Even though willfully allowing someone to be misled by your shirt is technically dishonest.)

What does it mean to be a latter-day ninja? Does it mean that you are an elite, highly-trained assassin/mercenary for hire? Maybe! But probably not. If you're looking at this shirt, you most likely have your own ideas about what constitutes a latter-day ninja, and the unique ways in which you personally embody those characteristics. What better way to let everyone know than by wearing this shirt? It's basically instant respect, admiration and fear, all in equal measure. Note: There's also another version of this shirt where the ninja sports a conspicuous CTR logo on his otherwise black-as-night ninja uniform.

Let's assume for a moment that you're a latter-day ninja. You don't want to be in the head-to-toe black outfit all day long, so when you get home from a hard day of ninja-ing, why not slip into this comfy shirt? It will let people know that you are a ninja as well as your ninja outfit can, but this is even better, since it helpfully also reminds you that latter-day ninjas always Choose The Right. In fact, that is the latter-day ninja's credo. (Much different from the credo of ninjas from feudal Japan, whose credo(s) involved espionage, sabotage and covert assassination.) Note: There is also a ninja shirt sans CTR, if you just want to choose the right on the inside.

Look, I know we don't have the whole story. I know we should judge not, that (we) be not judged, (Matt 7:1) and that "of (us) it is required to forgive all men." (D&C 64:10), and that calling anyone a jerk is bad form. But you have to admit that deep down, Martin Harris' wife Lucy chaps your hide a little bit. I know Martin shares some culpability, and even Joseph got punished, but something about Martin Harris' wife was not right. This shirt will help you to cathartically express your displeasure at the decisions that led to the loss of the 116 page manuscript. Some day, we'll all get to read the Book of Lehi (and the first two chapters of Mosiah), but I can't help but feel that Martin Harris' wife is a major part of the reason we can't read it today...

We all love General Conference. In fact, twice a year is hardly enough. But why only a general conference? Why not sprinkle in a few specific conferences, just to shake things up a bit? Does this make any sense? No, it doesn't. But don't let that stop you from wearing this fine textile. Just be prepared to answer the question, "Why did you think that shirt was okay to wear to sacrament meeting?"

With all this tiresome talk about Team Edward or Team Jacob, isn't it time you joined a real winning team? If we all work together, maybe "Team Joseph" can replace "Mormon" as the nickname for the Church... Wait, that would be stupid. But don't let that stop you from using the Twilight series' tangential relationship with our Church to enhance your wardrobe. And speaking of which, there's another shirt for sale here that features a groan-inducing pun related to Mormon vampires. (Hint: It involves stakes...)

All of us have watched a TV show or movie about vampires and then gone to Sunday School the next day and heard the term "stakes in Zion" and thought about vampire hunting. No? Just me? Well, now you can create that association in anyone who happens to see and read this shirt. Are you as big a fan of silly puns as most Mormons are? Then this shirt is also for you, as its pun is likely among the silliest you've ever heard. (Want your references less obliquely tied to the Twilight series? Look for the "Team Joseph" shirts for sale on this site.)

Do you want people who are far away to Choose The Right, but not so concerned about people who are close by? Then this shirt is for you. This shirt is part of the two-part pixelated T-shirt series, (the other one is Moroni). A solid 40 pixels by 40 pixels, its secret message about agency is decipherable by only the keenest or furthest eyes. If you're not LDS, and aren't concerned about Choosing The Right, for one thing, you should totally convert; Mormonism is great. Secondly, you could pretend the CTR stands for Crash Team Racing, Close the Refrigerator, the ticker code for Coltstar Ventures Inc. on the Canadian Venture Exchange, or anything you want!

Get it? Of course you do, because you're clever, and also it's not that hard to figure out. This is a companion shirt to the male counterpart below, entitled "Hymns", except this one is more graceful and matures faster. And it's pink! While it can easily be purchased all by itself, the full impact is only felt when this shirt (and the person in it) is standing next to someone wearing the "Hymns" version. (There's also a combined version with both the "Hymns" and "Hers" books on a single shirt, in the unlikely event you can't find anyone willing to wear matching pun shirts with you.) Note: The pair of shirts makes an adorable and unique engagement/wedding gift.

Are you a man who loves to sing? Do you have a wife (or girlfriend) who likes to sing? Do you love stupid puns? Are you one of those couples who likes to dress in coördinated t-shirts? Then you need this shirt, as well as its feminine counterpart (above), entitled "Hers". Much like you are nothing without your significant other, this shirt is just a shirt with a hymn book on it if you're not standing next to a lady wearing the "Hers" shirt. But maybe that's your thing.

It's the popular "Hymns" and "Hers" shirts, cleaving unto each other and becoming one shirt. Though available separately, this unified Hymns and Hers shirt is perfect for those people who love the concept of these shirts but somehow can't find someone willing to stand next to them at all times wearing the counterpart.

Based on the ongoing film series that continues to ensure Vin Diesel lives a comfortable life, this shirt was created in honor of the Church's monthly Fast and Testimony Meeting. It's a time for heartfelt expressions of belief, and uplifting affirmations of faith. Also, sometimes, certain people say crazy things. Not often, and not in every ward, but sometimes it happens. There's no use in denying it. On the whole, however, it's a time to be spiritually fed, while you are simultaneously physically starved.

If the low blood sugar from a fast is ever making you a little furious, just ponder this verse, because you might be doing it wrong: "Verily, this is fasting and prayer, or in other words, rejoicing and prayer" (D&C 59:14).